Why Can't He See?
by aerox
Summary: She knew that they were destined for each other. So why did he stop fighting for them?


**A/N: **Everytime I post something new, I feel slightly guilty for not providing you with a new chapter of GS. Rest assured, it's coming, probably sooner than later. I have the outline finished, although it took me a LOT longer than it should've. So yeah, it should hit this site somewhere in the upcoming week.

First a one-shot that was mainly written as a cathartic exercise. I tend to do these things, but this is the first fic I've written that I'd classify as pure angst. Not a speck of hope to be found people, it's bleak! Hope that you enjoy anyway (and hey, it's probably medium angst at best)

**Disclaimer: **Don't own le_Chuckles.

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><p><strong>Why Can't He See?<br>**

The words hit her like a sledgehammer to the chest. His eyes betrayed him, of course, but the words that he spoke didn't lose their effect. He tried to speak with sincerity and there was a smile on his face but it was decidedly fake. She knew, and he knew, that this wasn't what he wanted. But the worst part of it all was that she realized it was because of her. His eyes had lost the glint because of her. He was settling and she knew it. She often repeated the same mantra in her head, the one of her not being good enough for him, but she knew better. She knew that they were destined for each other. So why did he stop fighting for them?

Her arm tightened around Shaw's waist as Chuck told them about the whirlwind romance that started on the plane—the damn plane that Shaw of all people had ordered him on—and led to Hannah being employed at the Buy More, the first date, the first time of making love… the first time Hannah had introduced him to her parents. All the real things that she never got to experience. Not with Chuck and sure as hell not with someone like Shaw, Bryce or even Cole.

He spoke of them being engaged now and then the worst part came and he led her to a private area of Castle. He tucked a strand of loose blonde hair behind her ear and she shivered involuntarily. "Sarah, I just wanted to say that I'm really grateful for everything you've done for me over these past few years. You taught me to believe in myself and be the man that I had forgotten, I could be. So thank you for that… Sarah Walker." He said her name with an air of finality about it and she wanted to scream. She wanted to shout at him, tell him it was a mistake. That she was hurt by his betrayal in Prague but that it didn't stop any of the feelings she had felt for him. She wanted to hurl abuse at him, question how in the world he could be so daft. She wanted to explain to him that by ripping her heart out in Prague she realized that he was also the only person that could put it back together. She wanted _him_. But none of that happened.

"You're welcome, Chuck," she said, her tone just slightly warmer than frigid. She wanted to slap herself but not only would that be futile, it would also be rather odd to see. So she turned and stalked back to her safe-haven. Shaw would shield her from more heartbreak. He understood, he had to understand. He lost his wife to the spy world, she lost her love to a combination of the spy world, her irrational decisions and an inability to say the things that really needed to be said.

She passed Casey in the hallway as he was moving to the armory. He grabbed her by the arm and swung her around. Her hand stopped inches from his face. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she hissed. Now was not the time to be messing with her.

"I could ask you the same. Why aren't you mixing your peanut butter with his chocolate right now, Walker? I thought that this would spur you into action. Ditch the tool and finally get your lady feelings sorted out."

She huffed. "There's nothing going on between Chuck and I. We are professionals… friends even."

Casey barked a laugh. "Walker, please. The only reason that we're even in this mess is because I decided to futz with the paperwork. Had you not been the partner you have, your ass would've been back in Langley the moment you started making googly eyes at Bartowski. And trust me on this, that would've been _real_ soon after meeting the kid."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night Casey." She wrenched herself free from his grip and turned. "I've got to get back to my boyfriend."

"Fine, just don't come crying to me when Bartowski and whatever-the-hell-her-name-is tie the knot and she starts popping out his spawn."

She ignored the barb. She wouldn't cry. Why would she? The ship that she and Chuck were on had sailed a long time ago. Or so she made herself think.

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><p>She cleaned the counter with a renewed vigor. Damn CIA and their stupid counters that needed cleaning. She just wanted to go back to her hotel and curl up on her bed. Maybe watch some TV or listen to the radio. And damn it all if those weren't things that Chuck had introduced her to. She threw the rag away, not bothering where it landed. It sailed through the air and hit the door to the freezer with a wet slap. Not long after that, the telltale hiss of the Castle elevator informed her that her current boyfriend who had been holed up there finally decided that maybe he would like to see the sun once in his life.<p>

He opened the freezer and stepped through, picking up the 'neatly' deposited rag in the process. "You dropped this," he said with a tiny smirk coloring his voice.

She grabbed it and threw it on the counter. The wet slap was amplified. She didn't like anyone seeing her frustrated. Even less her boyfriend, although that title still felt foul. Maybe this was like with Bryce. Maybe she could simply forget that Chuck had happened and find what she could constitute as happiness. "Thanks," she replied in a snarky fashion. Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be that easy after all.

"Sorry about Bartowski," he said and it was so weird to hear an apology from Shaw that Sarah almost broke her neck when she turned to look at him.

"What was that?" she asked, although she heard him perfectly.

"I know you're torn up about Bartowski. I'm just saying, if there's something I can do, just let me know okay?"

"I'm not to…"

"Please don't insult me now, Sam. I'm a spy for God's sake."

She waited for a beat, before she asked, "This doesn't annoy you?"

Shaw shrugged. "Not really. I mean, I had a wife before all this. I loved her… I still do. Someday I'll find her killer and take him out but… as far as the rest is concerned… I've moved on. It's what she would want me to do."

"Wow Daniel, I never thought you could be like this."

He nuzzled her neck and Sarah suppressed a shudder. "Only the best for you," he replied. And she violently wished that he _would_ in fact make a big deal out of this. Chuck had damn near exploded with rage when he found out that Bryce and Sarah had been a thing and that had been a month in their professional career. They didn't even have anything close to a personal relationship and he had already felt possessive. To go from that to someone who didn't even have a single problem with the fact that she had feelings for her… whatever Chuck was, getting married, well it just boggled the mind. It was just one more thing that she added to her mental list which told her that Shaw was most definitely not right for her.

She shrugged him off and he walked to the front of the store. He didn't bother giving her a goodbye kiss and she hadn't expected anything else. "Will I see you tonight?"

"Nah, I'll just crash at my hotel room. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure."

The door swung shut and Sarah peered at the clock. Five pm. She highly doubted that anyone would come and get a frozen treat at this point in time, and if they did, they were just fresh out of luck. She closed up and walked to her car. She looked back and saw Hannah enclosed in Chuck's arms, _her_ rightful spot. She tore her gaze from the discomforting tableau and stepped in her car. She put the car in drive and didn't stop for anything or anyone.

She opened the door to her room and numbly stumbled to her bed, shedding her clothing in the process. She collapsed on the mattress and cried herself to sleep.

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><p>The last few weeks had certainly gone to hell in a hand-basket fast. First, Casey had gotten himself kicked out of the team by stealing Laudenol, then Chuck had killed a mole which caused Sarah to give him the cold shoulder, then she was told by Casey that he hadn't actually killed the mole which caused Sarah to once again curse herself and wanting Chuck all the more, and now Sarah had found herself drugged at a café in France, listening to Shaw's explanation for why he had decided to join the Ring. Truth be told, the moment she figured out it was a setup she had given up hope. No one knew where she was and she doubted anyone cared. She idly wondered if Chuck would even show up to her funeral. Would she even get a gold star on the wall?<p>

"So you see, that's why I have to do this," Shaw finished up his riveting monologue. To be fair, he appeared to be somewhat wooden in his delivery. If she had to be truly honest, she was embracing death. She wasn't one to be melodramatic often, but when your current not-quite-boyfriend turned out to be a vengeful psychopath, hell-bent on killing you, it certainly put things into perspective. The only regret she had was not telling Chuck how she felt. Well, she kind of did when she wanted to run away with him, but in hindsight, that plan was idiotic. It wasn't so much a plan as it was her just losing any semblance of control and wanting to be with him.

She honestly thought she had lost it when a mop of brown curls walked past her, but when she saw the white cloth being removed, her heart skipped a beat. He had come. For her! Maybe there was hope yet. He aimed the pistol at the back of his head and his eyes glinted dangerously. "Get away from her, Shaw."

"You know, Bartowski. I hadn't figured you would show up. What with you engaged to Hannah and all. Didn't think you even cared about Sam here." He stroked her cheek and Sarah wanted to vomit.

"Don't say her name," he growled. "I don't care how Sarah and I are on a personal level. But if you must know, she is still my friend, she is still my colleague, she is still someone I care about. Step. Away."

Sarah's heart fluttered as he proclaimed why he had come for her and she vowed to show him exactly how grateful she was. She didn't give a rats ass about Hannah. She didn't care that he was engaged. Did that make her a horrible person? Perhaps. But all was fair in love and war and she was done with playing according to the rules of the CIA. It was time she made some of her own.

Shaw jumped off of his chair and lunged at Chuck, who deftly dodged the attack. The satisfying smack of the butt of his pistol hitting Shaw's skull reverberated through the deserted streets, before a rapid cacophony of gunfire overtook the silence. He looked back at her and smiled. "Yeah, I brought Casey. You didn't think we'd leave you here alone, now would you? C'mon, let's go."

He hoisted her from the chair and slung her arm around his neck. She breathed in his scent and knew that tomorrow was do or die. It could all be hers.

Her head fell in the crook of his neck and blackness overtook her.

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><p>She woke up feeling somewhat dizzy from the poison that she had been given, but all in all, she had felt much, much worse at times. Chuck was sitting at the coffee table, typing something on a laptop. As if he felt her gaze on him, he turned. "Hey, you're up," he exclaimed cheerfully. "Got you some coffee."<p>

She took the cup gratefully. "Thank you, Chuck."

"You're welcome," he replied before sitting down on the bed. She took a sip and realized that now was the perfect opportunity for her to drop the bombshell on him. She was done with being alone, with being safe. She wanted to take a chance. On him. She put the cup away and cleared her throat.

"Look… Chuck… I have a confession to make. I've been acting… weird lately. And I want you to know that I'm sorry for the way I treated you… I'm sorry for the amount of time that I acted like this. I'm not sorry for acting like this, because you did leave me in Prague…" A small smile played on his lips, along with regret and acknowledgement. "…but as for the rest… I'm really honestly sorry. And the reason I'm telling you this is… because… I… I…"

It shouldn't have been this hard to say. She could say these words. She had said them often enough. Although actually meaning them was infinitely more scary. Still, she had to press on. He was worth it. "I love you!" she blurted out, and immediately averted her gaze, afraid of the repercussions. It was like the time she had accidentally messed up one of her father's cons and he didn't speak to her for an entire day. She never wanted to experience that kind of disappointment ever again.

"And you're telling me this now?" he questioned. "Sarah what the hell is wrong with you?"

Her face fell. She was afraid this might happen. He was loyal, sometimes to a fault. And she couldn't blame anyone but herself. Still, his rejection tore through her. He stood up and started pacing the room. "For three years Sarah. Three. Years. I wondered what it could be like. If we could ever be something. And every time I wondered whether you felt the same, you pushed me away and locked yourself between your goddamn walls and throwing yourself at everyone who wasn't _me_! And now that I've finally gotten over you, you tell me this?"

"Stop lying to yourself!" she shouted. She didn't want to, but the man was clearly delusional. "I'm a trained spy! I see the way you look at me and I see the way you look at her. Look me straight in the eye and tell me you love her more than me."

He self-consciously twisted his ring-finger, the one that would soon hold the band that promised his eternal faith to her. "I'm sorry," he whispered and she knew she had lost. He had nothing to be sorry about. In fact, him not giving in was one of the millions of reasons she loved him.

He started walking out, but before he could reach the handle, Sarah called out to him. "I'll wait for you. I promise."

He turned and she saw the conflict in his eyes. "Please don't. Sarah, please, do yourself a favor and get over me."

"No," she said and she added a shake of her head. "Mark my words, Chuck. One day, you will realize what you've walked out on today and you'll realize the mistake. And when you do, I'll be there."

He sighed and reached for the handle. "I'll see you back in Burbank, Sarah."

"Yeah…" she absentmindedly said. "I'll see you there."

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><p>Sarah watched the feed of the chapel. She had made up some lame excuse for not being able to be there, but she couldn't for the life of her remember what she had said. Casey also dodged the ceremony, claiming to 'not be interested in watching Nerd and Nerdier proclaim their undying love for each other. Ugh,' although Sarah felt it had more to do with partner solidarity.<p>

They exchanged their vows and Sarah blessed her lucky stars that they were the standard church ones. She would probably go stir crazy if they had written their own. As it was, simply watching the ceremony proved to be worse torture than Fulcrum could ever dish out.

Chuck grinned at his bride to be as he slid the ring on her finger and Sarah lurched out of the chair and ran to the bathroom, before violently emptying her stomach. She couldn't handle it. She just couldn't. It shouldn't have happened like this. She was supposed to be saved by Chuck, swooping in like he always did, and they were supposed to make love in Paris before running away from the CIA together. That's how it was supposed to go. And instead, she found herself crawled up against the metal bowl, the contents of her stomach mixing with the bitter tears that were cascading down her face. She heard Casey come in, looking for her.

"Walker… you okay?"

"Go away, Casey!" she shouted, before lurching back over the bowl again and dry-heaving. He stepped in the cubicle and stroked her hair out of her face. She figured he wanted to make a snarky comment and she thanked a higher power that he didn't. She couldn't deal with it. Not now.

"You still going to wait for him?" he asked, as he started softly stroking her back, trying to put her at ease. She would be touched if it didn't feel like her heart was being ripped out and torn to shreds right in front of her eyes. So she simply nodded.

Finally, she managed to find her voice again.

"Why couldn't he just see what I was trying to tell him all these years?"

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><p><strong>AN2:** Whew, that's better! Hope you enjoyed it ya'll.


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